This is Donald Dilliplane. Despite all appearences and the
combined efforts of Vinnie, myself, and every night club in New Hope,
Pennsylvania, Donald Dilliplane is not a homosexual. I find
this
to be very disappointing. You see, we've been telling Donald
that
he's gay since the seventh grade, but he is yet to kiss even one man.
Not being one to accept failure easily, I am still determined
to
make Donald gayer than this boat
hauling fourteen tons of fruit and ointment, but I need your help.
Inspired by the only source of information I ever intend to
use,
Wikipedia, I've made my mission open-source. I need you, to
send
us a letter of encouragement to Donald. Tell us in
your
words, why you think Donald should turn to the flamboyant side, and
what it means to you. Send all submissions by email
towebmaster@illuminati-productions.com, or use this link.Remember, we love Donald, and we want what's best for him, and what's best for him is some man friction. I will post the best (READ: probably any I get) on the site, then there will be a vote. The winner will recieve one of these. Just keep in mind we're doing this for Donald's well-being, not for our own personal gain. Unless of course you're a dude who wants some of that action, in which case it's both.
So please, for Donald's sake, send us you're most persuasive arguments. Thank you!
Entry #1
I for one have always felt that Donald was a homosexual. Ever since that day in seventh grade when he declared himself the “Master of Gay” I had a sneaking suspicion that Donald Dilliplane might have a preference for men. I proceeded to inform him of this every day for the next nine years much to the disapproval of my schools faculty. But they didn’t know Donald like I did. I was just trying to help the kid by getting him to come out of the closet.
You see, that’s the problem. Homosexual is a difficult word to define. If you define it by a person’s actions, then no, Donald is not a butt loving queer. And if you define it by a person’s conscious thoughts, then clearly Donald still isn’t gay because he constantly has crushes on various girls. These crushes are brief and jump from girl to girl frequently. Such behavior would be expected from someone trying to cover up their gayness by acting super heterosexual. But lastly, if you define being a homosexual as someone who desires men on the deepest level of their consciousness (so that even they might not be aware of it) then yes, Donald is a flaming faggot.
So the question for me is not, “Why should Donald become gay?” But rather, “Why should Donald accept his already existing homosexuality and become a man ramming hiney humper?” And the answer to this is simple. Donald, you should become a full fledged faggot because it would be true to yourself. I know it may be hard to come out in a country where you will not be as accepted as you might like. But it is not healthy to hide your feelings from the attention the world might give them, just like it is not good to hide your anus from the attention men’s penises might give it. So please Donald, for your own mental wellbeing, eat cock, buddy. Eat cock.
Vinnie Spiezio
Entry #2